


...On Ralph the Liar's Day!

by KingofRedIron



Category: Blackadder
Genre: Absurd, Comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:54:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23623483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingofRedIron/pseuds/KingofRedIron
Summary: It is February the 7th, the feast day of St Ralph the Liar, and a dragon has come to attack the castle of King Richard IV, as it wants a young virgin to eat. Edmund, Baldrick and Percy, aided by the monk Brother Jonathan, have to come up with a plan to defeat it. Hilarity ensues.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	...On Ralph the Liar's Day!

Baldrick grinned. It was the kind of grin which one only ever sees on the faces of three kinds of people. The first kind are literary geniuses. The second kind are psychopaths. The third kind are Baldricks.  
I represent Baldricks as their own category for a simple reason: the line of the Baldricks ~~makes no sense~~ defies proper scientific classification.*

'My Lord...' Baldrick intoned.  
Edmund groaned. 'Let me guess, you have a cunning plan, don't you?'  
'Indeed, my lord.'

Just as Baldrick was speaking, Percy came in.

'My Lord, I have an idea.'

Edmund rolled his eyes. 'What is it, Percy?'

'My Lord,' Percy said, 'I've just had the most wonderful idea.'

'And what is that?'

'It is simple my lord. You know how dragons breathe fire?'

'Yes. I have read many romances in my time.'

'Well, my idea was this: if dragons breathe fire, then they have fire in their bellies, which probably comes from their guts, and how they digest food. Am I correct?'

Edmund nodded his head gingerly. 'Yeeeessss...'

'And, with regards to the theory of the humours, is not the sanguine personality type connected to the humour of blood, and thus fire?'

'Yeeeessss...'

'Therefore, do not dragons possess the sanguine personality type, as they are extremely aggressive, and breathe fire?'

'Yeeesssss... I suppose so?'

Edmund had raised his eyebrows by this point, and his eyes were wide with wonder. He couldn't believe it. Percy was _making sense!_ He was _thinking logically and rationally!_

His train of thought about how wonderful this situation was was brought crashing to a halt when he realised that if Percy had suddenly become a learned professor, then that meant that _he_ was now the idiot in the room. He continued to listen intently to Percy's argument.

'Then my idea is this: what if we pour a great mass of water from the moat down the dragon's throat to put out the fire in its belly?'

Edmund facepalmed.

He sighed.

'Percy... I sometimes wonder which of us is the idiot here; you, or me. But every time, it becomes evident to me-- you are so unfathomably dense that you make the Three Wise Men of Gotham look like learned old professors from Wittenburg and Bologna. When in doubt, in matters of dragon-slaying, you either go for the method of Sivrit of Xanten, or the method of Degare of Little Britain!'

'Very well said, my lord!' Baldrick cried. He held out a wine jug. 'A drink, my lord?'

'No thank you, Baldrick, I had one earlier. Now, Baldrick, what was the cunning plan you were going to unfold for me?'

'Well my lord, what I was going to say was that we dig two holes in the ground. We fill one hole with mead or wine, and we hide in the other one. As the dragon comes and drinks from the first hole, we jump up, out of the second hole, and stab the monster in the belly. How does that sound?'

*It has been a theory common among Evolutionary Biologists for the longest time that, due to their levels of intelligence fluctuating back and forth between extreme intelligence and extreme stupidity from generation to generation, Baldricks do not so much classify as _homo sapiens_ , but rather, an entire subspecies unto themselves-- _homo sapiens baldrickiensis_


End file.
